Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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