I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
