In the future we'll all be gay
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
