Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't turn off my feet"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
