wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
