apparently the secret to your success is patron
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
