I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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