please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
