My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
