god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
