Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
