true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
