Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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