i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
