we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
