That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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