My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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