I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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