I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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