I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think i have herpe
just one?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I came so hard my ears popped.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
