Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Rumble strips road head = magical
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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