Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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