my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well I just put wine in my tea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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