Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
