Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
