I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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