I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
