Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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