yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize