ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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