i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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