Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
