hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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