just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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