I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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