If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Randomize
