i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
