if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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