Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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