Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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