I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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