Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
