Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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