my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
