besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
