So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I CAN MOONWALK!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
