Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
