So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
