My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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