He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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