Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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