you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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