I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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