Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
