I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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