I just cut my nipple shaving
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
