i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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