he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have aggressive nipples.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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