Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
