My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
