glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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